Raising Cain

We are all familiar with the story of Cain and Abel, although we don’t know why God did not regard Cain’s offering as He did Abel’s. God knew Cain’s disappointment and gave him a “pep talk.” God said, ‘Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.” Cain followed up on God’s encouraging words by killing Abel.

This family probably had, at least for a time, the closest relationship with God that any family throughout history has ever had, yet would probably qualify today as dysfunctional. They began their existence with only one negative rule, and the first incident in their recorded history is of the wife breaking that rule and then enticing her husband to break it as well, which he did willingly to take her side over God’s. They lost their home and in no time one of their two sons murdered the other and then denied knowledge of the event.

No doubt there is some nuance hidden behind these stone cold facts. We can only imagine the turmoil that existed in this family. We know neither the nuance nor the turmoil. We do know that Adam and Eve raised a son who murdered his brother while seemingly experiencing no remorse and accepting no responsibility. We may ask, “What happened in the raising of this child that led to such a tragic result,” but we’ll never know.

What we do know, both from God’s words to Cain in Genesis 4, and from the entire rest of the text of the Bible, is that Cain’s approach to this incident was unacceptable in the sight of God from start to finish. The last thing any parent should do is to raise Cain, or anyone like him. Yet I’ve seen children who are obviously headed in the same direction as Cain who receive little if any guidance from their parents. Lest you think that statement is hyperbole, I am thinking of a student whose behavior in my high school class led to my total lack of surprise when one weekend he was killed in a drug deal gone bad.

I am not surprised or shocked by the behavior I see in the world. More upsetting to me is when I witness behavior in Christian families that is so far beneath the bar that God has set. It is up to Christian parents to demand that God’s standards be met by their children in all facets of life.

Yet, children engage in tantrums while parents look on as though helpless. After worship service, while his five year old ran through the pews and up and down the aisles yelling, a grown man gave me a sad look and said, “I can’t control him.” Teachers are told, “My child doesn’t like to be told ‘no,’” as an explanation of why the child wouldn’t behave. A three year old who is told to “come here” or “stop that” responds with a belligerent “no” and continues with their bad behavior. Children slap at parents trying to correct their behavior.

But worse are the times when parents give no spiritual guidance or encouragement or example to their children. I’m thinking of the time when, as youth director, I was promoting a mission trip for the teens of the congregation. One leader in the church whose son wanted to go on the mission trip, told me that his son couldn’t go because there was a sports camp that week the son needed to attend. Regarding another mission trip that I had first announced in November to take place in July, I was told by a mother as the date approached that her child couldn’t go because that was the week of their vacation. Needing help to get a boy to attend a summer activity, I asked his grandfather, a deacon, to encourage the boy to get involved in this uplifting activity. By his response, it was as clear to me as it was disappointing that it more important to the grandfather that the boy spend his time playing baseball than being in a Christian activity. It goes on.

What does the BIble have to say about such things? One of the most maligned verses in the BIble is Proverbs 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son. But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” People look down on “corporal” punishment. Proverbs 13:24 is the word of God and is full of His wisdom. “Rod” does not mean “beat,” but the concept of a spanking, which is not a beating, is definitely intended. Physical discipline of children is part of God’s plan, and God’s plan should be followed regardless of what modern psychologists have to say.

If you’re bothered by Proverbs 13:24, first of all you need to work your way past that problem, and secondly, I expect you’ll have a problem with this next one. But these are God’s words. Do you really think you know better than our Maker? “If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and . . . will not heed them, then his father and his mother shall . . . say to the elders of his city, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice . . .’ Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among you, and all Israel shall hear and fear.” Deuteronomy 21:18-21. God approves of the death sentence for a child that is rebellious and disrespectful and refuses to obey/behave. If this seems harsh, all the more reason to instill respect and submission in your children

What does the Bible have to say about Christian encouragement and example? Let’s stay in Deuteronomy, specifically Deuteronomy 6:6-9, “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Yes, this was an OT admonition, but do you really maintain that when the New Testament times arrived God said, “We’re not going to worry about that anymore?” No. In short, Christian parents should keep their children in the word of God at all times. Can we honestly say that we’ve met this standard?

Speaking of the New Testament, in Ephesians 6:4, Paul writes, “And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” We’re told in 1 Tim. 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” While you’re being diligent to study God’s word (diligent!), it would be a wonderful thing to bring your children along on that journey with you.

One last verse is Proverbs 22:6, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I don’t believe Solomon states this proverb as an absolute. It is rather the way that things generally work. If a grown child departs from the way in which he was brought up, he does bring condemnation upon himself. However he does not bring condemnation on the one who brought him up in the way he should go. On the other hand, if the grown child is not in the way he should go, and the parent did not make the proper effort to train the child up in the way he should go, that might very well be a situation in which the parent receives condemnation.

The Bible verses reign supreme as the word of God. Still, I would like to add a final word of summary. When a person becomes the parent of a newborn child, their world should undergo a revolutionary change. The world of a new parent ceases to be about that parent and becomes 100% about the child. No longer does the parent live to fulfill his/her desires and accomplish his/her dreams. Now, the world of a parent is about providing the needs of the child.

Beyond nutrients and other items necessary to sustain life itself, two of the greatest needs of any child are discipline and Christian training from a heart of love. If you don’t provide those two things, you are failing God, you are failing your child, and you may well be raising Cain.

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